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How to be a good ally to trans people

By Emily 4 years ago. Posted in Sexual Health
How to be a good ally to trans people

It's not hard to be a good ally. Here are some of the things you can and should do to show up for trans folks. Most of it falls under the being a decent person category and it's just common sense.

Respect pronouns always

When someone tells you their name and pronoun - use it. Always. Don't misgender someone ever. Deadnaming is when you use someone's name that they no longer use. Don't ever do this. Don't do it in private, don't do it in public, don't do it anywhere. Pronouns aren't hard, but if you make a mistake, just correct yourself and if it's appropriate apologise. Don't be a jerk about it and make it all about yourself by saying things like "I'm sooo sorry it's just sooo hard!" deal with that on your own. It's not for a trans person to comfort you when you have messed up.

Don't ask rude questions

Would you ask a cis person about their genitals? Of course you wouldn't. So don't ever do it to a trans person. Surgery, transition, genitals, questions about "before" - none of that is your business. Don't be a creep.

Don't make assumptions

Don't assume you can tell someone is trans by looking at them! That's just not how it works. Also, just because someone is trans, it doesn't mean they're gay. Just because they're trans it doesn't mean they're like every other trans person you know or have seen on TV. Gender, like sexuality, is a wonderfully varied thing!

Don't ever out a trans person

Period. Don't tell somoene "they used to be X" or describe someone as a transwoman or trans man or Non-binary person unless they've told you to describe them to people that way. Outing trans people can be deadly. It is never your job as a cis-person to give out that information.

Know your terminology

There are heaps of great glossarys around that outline all terms relating to gender and sexuality. Gender Minorities Aotearoa have a great guide, and TransWhat! has a guide for allies. We even have a guide. It's never OK to use the term Trxnny or shxmale, he-she or shim. It doesn't matter if someone who is trans says it, you can't say it. Do NOT use the labels transvestite or cross dresser to describe someone unless they have expressly said they self identify with this term.

Think about your own gender

Unless you're transgender you won't know what it's like but you can think about it. The National Centre for Transgender Equality asks allies to imagine what it would be like if everyone told you that the gender that you’ve always known yourself to be was wrong. "What would you feel like if you woke up one day with a body that’s associated with a different gender? What would you do if everyone else—your doctors, your friends, your family—believed you’re a man and expected you to act like a man when you’re actually a woman, or believed you’re a woman even though you’ve always known you’re a man?"

Don't make comments that fetishize trans people.

It's not a compliment. Trans folks suffer extremely high rates of sexual violence. Reducing trans people to sex objects is directly connected to this. Trans people do not exist for your sexual gratification or entertainment. They're not your exotic kink or turn-on.

Be accurate your language

Being inclusive isn't hard, it's just about using accurate language. For example, refer to "all genders" or "any gender" instead of "both genders" or "either gender" to reflect that there is more than one gender.

Ensure your spaces are inclusive

Choosing a bathroom in public or at work or school can be upsetting, stressful and even dangerous for trans people. It's not at all difficult to make public bathrooms all gender bathrooms. This also makes your workplace or public space safer for children who can go to the bathroom with their parents. Encourage schools, businesses, and agencies to have single person or all-gender restrooms. Make it clear people should use whichever restroom they feel comfortable using. Never police a public bathroom - I mean who would? Sadly, some weirdos do.

In meetings use pronouns - for example, "Hi, I'm Emily and I use the pronouns she and her." This tells everyone in your team and everyone coming into your workplace that you don't make assumptions about anyone's gender, and that people are free to self-identify. Use pronouns in your email signature to convey the same message. Here are some other ways to make your workplace more trans inclusive.

Which leads us to our next point.

Be a vocal ally

Don't laugh at jokes that denigrate and humilate trans people. Stand up for trans people even when they're not there. It's crucial to challenge anti-transgender comments whenever they're said, no matter who says them. Sadly, some people in the queer community are actively hostile toward trans people - they don't get a free pass for bigotry because they're queer. So speak up, even if you're straight.

But don't speak over trans people

It's about making sure you don't centre yourself. You're an ally, but that's all. Know when to listen, know when to speak. And always amplify and boost the voices of trans people. Here at ATMS we are actively recruiting trans and gender diverse reviewers to ensure cis folks aren't speaking over trans people.

We will continue to expand our writing. If you have anything else you'd like us to cover or write about please email info@adulttoymegastore.co.nz

Emily
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