The Pressure of Orgasms and Enjoying Sex Without

Are orgasms the only measurement of successful sex? Laura shares how our beliefs about reaching the big ‘O’ can put the pressure on and remove some of the fun! She also shares tips for enjoying sex without focusing on orgasms.

There’s something that happens in fictional sex that has always bothered me.

Whether it be in movies, television, or a comforting smutty book, there’s always this moment when the characters are getting down and dirty, moaning their hearts out (often after absolutely no foreplay), and their gasps and sighs get louder and louder until BAM… it all crescendos in an effortless, simultaneous climax.

One partner rolls off the other and they lie there, panting and sweaty, coming down from their coming with blissful smiles on their faces.

Both parties are satisfied, the finish line crossed. With orgasms achieved, they have succeeded at doing the sex thing… right?

Well… sure.

This may very well be the experience for some people, and an entirely valid experience at that. It’s an awesome thing to climax in tandem with your partner, though it’s definitely not the only possible outcome when it comes to sex.

In fact, I think we should talk about the role of orgasms in sex—and how our obsession with reaching climax may actually be taking some of the fun out of one of our favourite pastimes.

couple intertwined in bed

The pressure of orgasms

For some people orgasms are stress free, something easily achieved after years of practice since the wondrous discovery of masturbation.

However, for a plethora of reasons such as anxiety, intoxication, medications or just good ol’ nervousness, climax can be hard for some people to achieve—whether it be an occasional thing after one or two many wines (guilty) or a more ongoing challenge.

Over the years, through media, porn, and anecdotes shared between friends, so much rhetoric I have absorbed about sex has hailed orgasms as the measure for which we base the success of our sexual experience.

As a cis-gendered woman who enjoys sex with men, there has always been a particular expectation that a man should make me finish, and do so every time we are intimate, otherwise the sex is ‘bad’ and unsatisfactory… But that doesn’t seem very fair!

What about when I’m tired? When I’ve had a couple of wines and I’m feeling too giggly and wound up to fully relax? No matter how enthusiastic and engaged I am in the sex, any man or woman deserves a medal if they can make me come when I’m in that mind space.

If we say that orgasms are the only measure of success, then that means it doesn’t matter how good the sex feels or how much fun you are having if there isn’t a cinematic gasp of united climax at the end… and that just feels wrong.

Ticking the orgasm box

More than once I’ve had conversations with partners where they’ve expressed feelings of guilt over not being able to bring me to orgasm, and in return I’ve been so anxious about finishing that I’ve barely been able to focus on what was happening—all because I was worried my partner would feel bad if I didn’t tick that box.

Putting so much pressure on myself absolutely sucks the joy out of what is supposed to be such a comforting and pleasurable thing, and I’ve recently decided that we could all be having a much more diverse and wonderful time if we focused a bit more on the journey of sex rather than obsessing over an orgasmic destination.

In a lot of ways, I think the focus on orgasms spans from the outdated heteronormativity that is so rampant in our society. If we only think of sex as a penetrative act between a penis and vagina, then of course the finish line aligns with ejaculation, when the tools involved go out of commission for a little while after.

But as we all know, we live in a beautiful progressive time where hands and mouths and toys and lubes are flourishing, and sex can go on for as long as the lovely people involved are enthusiastic and consenting.

intimacy tips for couples

Orgasms are great, but they’re not essential!

To be very clear, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t strive for orgasms! They feel incredible, and they flood our body with endorphins that can have all sorts of benefits.

But I wonder if you might steal more quickies with your partner if you didn’t have the pressure to quickly come to make it worthwhile?

I wonder if you might enjoy the experience of learning a new partner’s body a bit more if you focused on getting comfortable in your own time, rather than rushing ‘perfection’?

No one benefits from us having a closeminded perception of what makes sex ‘good’.

Tips for increasing pleasure outside of orgasms

So, now that I've covered off some reasons why orgasms shouldn't be the only 'goal' and metric of successful sex, I want to share some tips for what you can do to enjoy the journey!

1. Add arousal products

There are so many ways for us to find pleasure outside of orgasms, and even products that can help you reach climax if that is something you would like a little help with.

The addition of arousal products such as the I Love Hemp packs (both for vulvas and penises) can increase sensation and stimulation, which in turn will help you build towards the big O.

These can be used in both solo and partner play, and even if you have no difficulties with your orgasms, can make for a new fun experience and sensation!

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2. Add sex toys

The use of sex toys during masturbation and partner play can both bring you closer to orgasm as well as increase the overall intensity and diversity of your pleasure and sensations.

Any partner can heighten their pleasure with the addition of an anal device such as butt plugs during sex, as the toy helps stimulate the anal erogenous zones. There are great beginner anal training kits available if you are just dipping your toe into this new area.

Learn more about anal play here: How to prepare your body for anal play

For our lovely vagina owners, wearable couples vibrators, like Share Satisfaction’s Joia, are designed to be worn during penetrative sex to stimulate the clitoris and g-spot, and can help provide that consistent stimulation that helps build to orgasm.

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3. Indulge in sensual touch and fantasies

Once we start to break the mold with our expectations of sex, we allow ourselves to consider and explore the broader possibilities of pleasure and fun that can be achieved.

In my humble opinion, simply kissing and massage can be the sexiest most arousing parts of sex, and indulging in that type of intimate foreplay can lead to such satisfaction—orgasms or not.

What are your fantasies? Does your partner know them? Have you ever dared attempt them outside of your own daydreaming?

Take a moment to think about the best sex you ever had, what made it so? When you get lost in your lusty daydreams, what is happening?

And if you haven’t asked your partner to do that one thing to you that you always find yourself thinking about… Why the hell not!?

Is there a medical reason you’re not reaching orgasm?

Another important thing to consider if you are struggling to orgasm when you want to is whether there could be a medical reason. For example, it’s not uncommon for certain medications to have an impact on our sexual health and experience, as I have previously written about in this article: Sex & Medication: how meds can impact your happy ending

If you are concerned, make sure to have a chat with your doctor. As always, it’s important to be informed!

Sex can be great with and without orgasms

Everyone is different, and it is that diversity of experience that makes sex such an incredible thing.

Though orgasms are great, they do not have to be the be all and end all of your sexual journey. Don’t let the pressure of expectation stop you from enjoying every little step along the way.

You decide what sex is ‘good’. You decide what the finish line looks like.

If it’s safe, sane, consensual and enthusiastic—where can you possibly go wrong?

Content disclaimer:

The information in this article has been fact checked and reviewed for accuracy by Adulttoymegastore’s team of content specialists and sexual wellness experts, including Sex Educator Emma Hewitt.

Adulttoymegastore does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment for illness. Any information published on this website, either by Adulttoymegastore or its authors, is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a medical professional.