New mums have a lot on their plates. With a mind focused on bedtimes, soothing techniques, feeding, nappy changes, burp clothes and whether you can sneak in a shower today, for most of us, thinking about sex barely gets a look in. But over time, and especially after an episode or two of Heated Rivalry, horniness might start to make an appearance, and you want to be ready when it does.
Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding all impact our bodies and our brains in ways that might make sex and pleasure feel different for you. Your vagina, pelvic floor, breasts, and libido all go through changes that can be scary if you aren't aware of them beforehand.
Unfortunately, information about post-partum sex, pleasure and intimacy is rarely part of the conversation with doctors and midwives, especially past a simple, "am I ok to have sex again yet?" and even that question has a lot more nuance than you might expect. But the more information you have, the more likely you are to know when something isn't right.
With so much going on for new mums, and a lack of post-partum services in New Zealand, especially for those in rural areas, getting access to specialists can be difficult. So, here's the answers to a few of the frequently asked questions about sex and pleasure post-birth, and when to seek further care from a doctor or sexual health specialist.
For many people, their vagina will go back to normal after birth within a few months, so long as you give it time to heal properly. But keep in mind that your cervix may sit lower and feel heavier than normal for the first few months.
This is normal, but if it persists, it might be a sign of pelvic floor dysfunction or prolapse. Pain during sex and a weaker-than-usual orgasm can also be a sign of pelvic floor weakness. And people with prolapse may experience pain during sex or feel the vagina has shortened due to the cervix bulging into the canal.
The good news is that, for most people, this can be treated with specialist care.
If you've seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist and they recommend using kegel exercisers to help with strength, here are a few good starter options.
While many of us worry about losing strength from our pelvic floor, it's not the only thing we need to think about.
I needed stitches following birth, and they took quite a while to heal, which meant that I was always keeping things clenched down there as I was (unnecessarily) paranoid about stretching or tearing the stitches. This meant that I was constantly clenching my muscles, and they were too tight, making sex uncomfortable.
The goal for me became to practice relaxing my muscles, rather than tightening them. This is why understanding your pelvic floor and seeing a specialist is so important. If you are doing the wrong exercises, you may be causing more harm than good.
You have probably heard that the rule is to wait 6 weeks after birth, but you should look at this as more of a guideline than a rule. It really depends on your body and your experience of birth.
Did you have a vaginal birth? Did it result in a birth injury that required stitches or surgery? Have you experienced prolapse? Are you recovering from a C-section? There are many factors that determine when sex will be comfortable or safe for you. And everyone is different!
Check yourself out first by pleasuring yourself and see how it feels. Are you more or less sensitive? Can you comfortably insert your fingers or a toy? If you can't, you may have an issue with your pelvic floor to sort out before you start having sex again. If it's been more than 6 weeks and you have vaginal pain, feel heaviness in the area, or things just feel off, get a pelvic floor specialist to check it out before you have sex.
If you're looking for a sex toy that is small and comfortable to insert to explore post-partum, here's a few slimline vibrators I recommend.
If penetrative sex is on the cards, a dildo is a great next step to ensure that you can comfortably fit a penis without pain.
Breastfeeding does affect sex for most people due to fluctuations in hormones. After birth, your levels of the hormones prolactin and oxytocin rise and stay elevated during the breastfeeding period. High prolactin levels suppress estrogen and testosterone, which dampens sex drive and can cause vaginal dryness.
A 2016 study found that 31.5% of breastfeeding women experienced painful sex at 6 months post-partum compared to 12.7% of those that weren't breastfeeding. If you are experiencing vaginal dryness, using a lubricant will make all the difference.
I recommend using a silicone lubricant like Uberlube that is silky and long-lasting. Or if you prefer water-based lubricant, the Sliquid Naturals Sassy lube has a particularly thick viscosity to reduce friction for longer than most water-based options.
It's also possible that breastfeeding might dampen your interest in sex due to the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin creates a sense of contentment and pleasure from breastfeeding itself, meaning that your intimacy needs might be fulfilled without the need for sex. This is normal! And will gradually return to whatever your normal is when you are no longer breastfeeding.
As well as the physiological changes that occur postpartum, there is the mental load of becoming a parent to consider. You will be tired, touched out, short on time and for many folks, having sex simply won't be a priority.
I'm a sex educator with an 8-month-old, and this is absolutely the case for me right now. Why have sex when I could take a nap?! And in the first few months, I was hyper-focused on my baby, meaning it was very difficult to think about anything else, including when I was having sex. Is he ok, is he about to cry out? Those constant thoughts aren't exactly conducive to having a sexy time.
In general, intimacy will likely look different and take more effort than it used to during the post-partum period, and it's not just because of your hormones. It is also very easy to get annoyed by your partner during this high-stress time.
Did they get more sleep than you last night? Annoying. Did they leave the babies' clothes out rather than putting them away in the drawer? Annoying. Will the baby only be settled by you this week? ANNOYING. And all this makes resentment easy and getting intimate hard.
Talk to your partner about what you need to happen to even have a chance of feeling sexual. Is it some alone time, a shower or bath, or a walk? Whatever is going to help you relax and get your mind focused on yourself for a while.
This is where scheduling sex can help. If you set a time for play, you can make sure you do what you need to beforehand to get in the mood.
But be aware that your baby does not give a shit about your plans. So, pencil it in, and try to let it go if your plans need to change.
I know that sex might feel hard right now, but the good news is that as your baby gets older and develops more independence, you will have more time to dedicate to your sex life.
This period is intense, but it's not forever.