It is said that "opposites attract" and one theory for this is that we seek the qualities in our partners, which we ourselves lack.
Ridiculously disorganised? Find someone who can help you to plan and schedule better and will coach you to stay on track. You'll be more productive, and they'll feel satisfied that they have utilised their skills in contributing to that.
Neat freak? Find someone who is a whirlwind of energy and leaves a path of destruction behind them, which needs tidying and sorting.
Of course, all four types of people in these examples will at times get agitated by this opposing characteristic in their partner at times, but overall the balance seems to work.
Problem arise when needs go unmet, to the point that your partner can be perfect in almost every way but if he/she doesn't tick that ONE box, THAT one thing becomes the most important need. A person becomes obsessed with the fact that they're missing that one thing and that need can overshadow all the wonderful things their partner does.
So, what happens when someone with an extreme kink is married and is too embarrassed by it, even to confess it to their nearest and dearest? If not met, these kinks can drive a person into a depressed state or seek other ways of coping with this missing piece of their life such as abusing drugs, alcohol or gambling.
Most of my clients are (for the most part), very happily married men. These men love their wives and don't want to be with anyone else - but there's just this one little need not being fulfilled. Perhaps their wife won't spank them; put a finger in the arse; give them a golden shower; take naughty photos of them; fuck them with a strap-on or allow them to dress in stockings and suspenders. Instead they pay me for the service, safe in the knowledge that there'll be no drama. Since I'm a professional, I'm not going to fall in love with them or try to change their married situation in any way. They can escape and live out their fantasies in a safe and supportive environment. These secrets that people carry can be such a burden, constantly gnawing away at their self-esteem. At the end of our time together, they feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, they go home the loving, caring husband they are. The burning need to express their kink, no longer weighing on their mind.
One of the biggest surprises of my life, is that recently I met five attractive, bubbly, fun women, aged from in their 30's to 50's, all of whom have left their long-terms relationships due to lack of sex! One of them, hasn't had sex for more than a decade because her partner refused. Now given that a man sexual peak is 18 and a women's is in their mid-30s and given that I have a steady stream of unsatisfied men in my dungeon, there must be an absolute abundance of unsatisfied women! It's no wonder sex toys for women sell so well!
Image Source: Pixabay
So, what can you do, as the male or female of the relationship, as the one wanting more or kinkier sex, to find harmony in the relationship? I believe that communication and acceptance are key to a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship and it's one of the reasons why BDSM works. We communicate and negotiate our way through a myriad of questions before we get started - likes/dislikes/limits/boundaries etc - see article on "Negotation" to establish a lifestyle in which both partners contribute to the pleasure, growth and awareness of the other. The same principles can be applied in a vanilla relationship too. Be brave, let the other person know how you're feeling you're your partner turns around and disowns you because of your kink, then are they right for you anyway?